Wednesday, January 13, 2016

A stampede in Calgary stops Edmonton Festival from getting ice.

Babs and Ed
There is nothing wrong with enjoying the lightness of a yellow summer's dress caressing your manly body all the while you walk down the street doing the Do Wah Diddy Diddy Dumb Diddy Do.  Smiling and shaking your thang for every working man you walk past is what you tell your diary so it must be true.  The shocked looks a beard, wig, and dress get is worth price of admission.  Most days they would know you as Ed, the quiet pipeline worker who is playing swamper in a concrete truck until the price of oil bounces back up.  Bored with the repetition required to survive in life you take a sick day to dress all up like a beautiful woman and go for a walk.  Most people give a visual WTF, laugh and ask for a selfie.  Yes there are idiots but occasionally you get digits which you never text.  Being in the closet just makes straight men more comfortable and less likely to beat you up for wearing lace under your work overalls on a hot summers day.  Men base their social hierarchy on notches in belt.  Even you have a few made up ones to keep ridicule at bay.  As exciting as hearing stupid is you need regular time away from men to enjoy a little female company.  

Today is that day as the sun is shining, you are rocking a hot, light, yellow, summers dress 
and ready to hit one of those festivals at Hawrelak Park with Pip your bff.  She don't care that you are unsure of your sexuality, instead teases you that if you are gay you would have to trust men when you are a man and know what men are like.   Around her in drag you are free to be yourself away from societies expectations of what a man should be.  Before going, Pip who has a large following on Instagram sends out a image of you looking all hot and sexy.   The picture goes viral and a flash mob of men in drag doing the Cadillac ranch breaks out when you the special guest arrives at the festival with lots of food and dance to take the lead.   When done sweating enough to make your mascara run you quickly make a beeline for the nearest tent looking for some ice cold water.

What time is the game?  A guy in a dress shouts to another as you push through the crowd.

Six, another guy yells back just as there is a loud bang as an engine misfires.

BILL what time is the game?

Nobody hears the what time is the game part as it is drummed out by what Aretha Franklin would sound like if you traded estrogen for testosterone and added a beard.

Six,  you bellow in perfect rhythm making it sound like you are starting a bill 6 

Everyone stops, not a noise is made, nothing is moving, not even a mouse.

Sonny take my glasses and my teeth an old man speaks as he appears from the crowd.

Tell mamma we are having NDP for dinner.    

Blinking through sweat burning your eyes with eyeliner
which has joined the board meeting with mascara in your eyes.
You can't believe this is happening as some blind
80 year old man looking like the emperor in Star Wars heads in your direction.
Stumbling blindly you head for the kiddie pool you thought you saw
in front of some tent to the right when you could see.
Now you had to use your nose and let meatballs guide your steps
Looking back through the tears, the old man is gaining
as if nobody told him he was old and suppose to be slow.
Breaking out into a dress hindered shuffle you trust your nose
to guide your giant size 15 feet.
Why you take one more glace back you will never know
as your brain goes splat against your scull which has gone
splat into the stomach of a giant beautiful Swedish
god of a man with a thud.
Wobbling, out cold on your feat, just before the pool you an excellent target
for the old man who lowers his should and slams you into the pool, finishing you off by 
holding your head under water and feeding you shots to head as you struggle to breath.
Lucky for you the giant swede takes pity,
pulls the old man off you, points him the opposite direction
and says he went that way.
Like a wind up robot the old man starts chasing another man
with a beard in a dress.
Looking up butterflies and hearts dance around the swede
until you notice his Swedish hockey jersey.

dude why no ice? you ask looking at the tub with water, and bottled water.

Swede grabs his phone, plays with it a little before handing it to you.

Cows, yes cows have gone on a stampede in protest of bill 6 which doesn't provide safe working conditions for cows.  Too often cows are sold for slaughter, milked too often or not enough and in even get tipped in their sleep.  The cows have had enough and are blocking the road between Edmonton and Calgary.  You do a google search on cows stampede in protest of bill 6, click news.  Google shows a dozen stories from real news sources along with a few suspect blogs.  Twitter is a frenzy of pictures, videos, and meme after meme.  

Ice comes from Calgary your beautiful swede speaks.

Smiling you google ice delivery Edmonton, press the call button on the Columbia Ice selection that says call.   Owner of the company Sandra answers and you ask her to send bob with all the ice he can carry to the Park.  Handing the phone back to the swede you smile.  He just looks at you with no emotion at all.  Once again your DNA, the romantic in your genes got your hopes up that someone would love your bearded self in a wig.  It has crossed your mind that you do not have very good gaydar.  If you don't have gaydar does that mean you are straight?  

Pip choking on a Swedish meatball starts pointing and grunting towards where the old man had gone.  Looking over you see men in dresses taking the produce most were using to replicate female top parts out and putting it in one of those reusable bags.  Pip is reading out some guys twitter feed getting live updates.

Ahhhh you scream as you first hear, then feel and finally see to confirm there is a Bob, the very cute iceman from Pip's wedding dumping the contents of big bags of ice which surprisingly is ice into the large drink tub you are occupying.  There is a smash as Bob does a thumps the ice on some cardboard and then a thump on the other side to break the ice up.  Even more impressive to you is how Bob rips open the bag in a savage fashion.  You cannot breath as this manly, manly caveman continues to lower the temperature of the pool while making you feel warm and fuzzy all over.  Bob says nothing, just keeps on smiling and filling what space there is left in the pool with lovely, beautiful ice.  

Hi Bob...Pip says causing bob to look up, let a big bag of ice go hitting the pip of a girl right in the chest sending her stumbling in the arms of Fred the only man allowed in Hawrelak Park with a dog as he is a seeing eye person for blind dogs.  Bob follows the ice toss by slipping on some ice and ending up in the kiddie pool with you.

Edmonton festival, dancing, food and a burly iceman in a pool holding one of those pizza delivery wireless debit machines handing it to the swede who ruins your perfect date, stealing your iceman and then tossing your wet self from his kiddie pool.

Bob not missing a beat or staying to talk to pip and fred fights the mob of food vendors trying to get ice to get to his truck beaten by someone wearing a festival staff shirt begging them to bring ice by the trailer load fast.  Just another day in festival city you tell Pip later over coffee and cognac. 

... these are the tales of bob and pip.. a fictitious love story to highlight the different ice services offered by Columbia Ice, an Edmonton Ice Company.

If you are running a Edmonton and area festival like heritage days, folk festival, blues, rock, metal, fringe, gay and pride festival, Porkalooza, latin, Caribbean, works, taste of Edmonton create jobs in Edmonton by supporting local and say hell no to American ice with Columbia Ice.

Friday, Saturday, Sunday we will keep you stocked, freezers with locks that have multiple keys, direct debit machines, ability to accept e-interact transfer.  When you call 780-960-7161 you get Sandra one of the owners and get to talk to one of the people your investment in our ice helps feed.  I will talk on the phone however my preference is to email, text or tweet as I need a record to refer back to as my short term memory sucks.  

For all your ice needs Columbia Ice Edmonton.

Stay Cool!!!

Graham Iceman
ice is always cool
Sandra: 780-960-716

ice is always cool

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