Wednesday, December 9, 2015

Big bags of ice save edmonton wedding photos from warm beer face.

The day of your wedding comes and to kill time before the ceremony your bridesmaids are playing on tumblr where they found a blog post by Bob, your former manager when you were a waitress who was silly enough to use his real name online.  While taking a moment to grab a tea outside away from everyone before you put your dress on, you pull up the blog on your iPad and start to read...  

I walked up to the door of the mental health and addiction clinic.  Apparently meth addicts and the mentally ill are the same thing in Alberta and need require the same treatment.   I chatted up a guy in the waiting room who said it only took him almost dying on meth to get in quick.    Made me wonder if I should start using drugs. Maybe it would of been faster to see a psychiatrist than the two years I had to wait.  You could always kill someone to get help I joked.  Meth Addicted laughed and wondered out loud how that would go over in court. Well judge the doctor said I could see a shrink if I were a threat to myself or other people.  I tried hard judge to be a threat to myself, cutting, pills, drugs, and drinking in order to qualify in Alberta to see a psychiatrist in a timely manner but was told up to two years.  The only choice left was to stab someone.  We both laughed at this.  I wonder if sane folk would laugh at that.  

There are so many stupid, idiotic, maddening layers where you have to share some of a story you don't ever want to share with anyone to find the right person to talk to for an hour and then you are bounced back to your doctor after two years of not killing yourself.  A doctor who does not know any of the stories of my life.  Mentally ill people are great actors because we are ashamed to be mentally ill, so we pretend real well until bang, we grow tired of waiting for anything to release me of the prison that is my mind.  All you want as a mentally ill person is a single trained professional.  To be able to see that one single person until you are able to live your life in a productive manner.  Being fucked in the head is not fun. Cutting yourself because you do not know how to deal with the intensity of emotion that rips through your chest until pain snaps you out of it isn't exactly the weekend event on the top of most to do lists.   

Shrink didn't help me that day.  He couldn't help me in an hour as I didn't know the him well enough to open up.  I didn't even know the right words to use.  I got a male shrink which made me uncomfortable.  I am unable to talk to men about anything other than male sex stories or sports.  The environment wasn't conducive to opening up.  The whole thing was rather useless, a bandaid for the open wound that has been my life left more open after discussing things that make me go home and cut myself deeper than usual, just to close the wound inside.  It was then I gave up on the so called Universal Healthcare in Canada when it came to what ailed my mind.  If I had a physical booboo then it was great but anything that does not fit within the realm of the physical, such as mental illness, the healthcare in Canada is a joke.  

I got lucky though.  We find people who become role models or become surrogate fathers for a time when our own are...well are out of the picture.  I don't quite know why Ernie hired me... 



You had to stop reading because it was making your eyes water which didn't exactly go with your expensive make up job.  Even though you didn't know Bob well he was always nice to you and he was your name buddy.  Two unique vowels in a world of consonants. 

Being a waitress wasn't for you, needing to give the orders instead of taking them.   NAIT was the school of choice to get an education leading to long term employment until the price of oil fell.  Now you Pip, an unique i between two common p's, hold a road sign for a local ready-mix concrete company.  When it came to men, you always craved depth but fell for a dishwasher turned seeing eye person for blind dogs apprentice whose deepest thoughts did not extend beyond should I get Pilsner or Bud.  The type of person who wouldn't even think of trying a craft beer.  The typical Saskatchewan Rough Rider fan working in Alberta.  
Fred is Yummy
Your gay bff who has a working man fetish has always adored Fred a little too much.  Fred is yummy in the tummy if eyes had a tummy to feel yummy.  He may not be all that articulate but he will be a good provider your mom reminds you when you get cold feet and at the end of the day, the only reason you exist is to pass on your DNA.  You love your mom and have one of those mommy daughter almost cry moments stopping because of make up concerns.  

Nobody laughed or fell asleep during the long religious ceremony for your Wildrose parents who didn't talk to you for a whole week when you told them you voted for the NDP.  Not wanting to spook grandma, Babs, your gay bff went drag, even trying to flirt with the preacher who is your father.  Babs has a beard, Duck Dynasty kind, hairy legs, and is referred to as a bear in some communities.  
imagine a man, a beard and red diva hair
Ask Babs
Grandma laughed while your mom had that constipated look religious folk get while around the gay.  Even though she speaks in politically correct ways you know she sees Babs not as flaming but as being in flames.  God love your mom a women who lets those who walked the earth 2000 years ago decide how she should think and act now.  

You look at Fred, the man you are about to marry after walking up the isle, and you want to strangle him.  All you asked of Fred was take care of the booze and don't forget to get lots of ice.  Your first date came from Bob fainting and Fred having the know with all to call Columbia Ice.  The morning of the wedding before the ceremony you got a call from the bartender who was setting up in the hall asking when the booze and ice were arriving.  You called Fred and got his voice mail instead as he was driving back from a night out shooting at bottles, bonfires and cousins.  The anger falls away because it has been that way with everything.  The bride handles the entire wedding while the groom gets to say goodbye to the illusion they are giving up the dream that at any point in there life they would have an opportunity to be Hue Hefner surrounded by beautiful woman all wanting to do the upside down polka.  

It was an easy fix getting big bags of ice delivered to your Edmonton wedding. Hold down a button, say call Columbia Ice Edmonton, to Siri your personal assistant and after a right or two Sandra answers and says you shall have your ice after checking with Bob the Iceman.   It calms you by 50% to not have to stress the ice.  Sandra also mentioned you can pick up bags of ice if needed at Kegs and more because a lot of weddings do not need 12 big bags of ice minimum order for delivery in Edmonton and area.   A press of a finger, call Kegs and More
Image of the outside of kegs and more.
kegs and more Edmonton
Mark answers and says the magic words I can do that, we have plenty of Pilsner in stock and can deliver it to your wedding.  Despite the fact Fred has the short term memory of a 120 year grandpa with alzheimer's you love him and are not naive to the reality you will need to house train Fred and his friends after your I do's.  Teach him the concept of sticky notes or notification apps.  For now though you suck it up because if you want the perfect wedding you know sadly men are colour-blind.  Just showing up not smelling of booze from the bachelor party is hard enough for male DNA.

Neither you or Fred wanted to shake hands with people after the whole Ebola scare.  Fred had been on a flight with someone who had been on a flight with a nurse who was in Africa helping with the outbreak.  Hear Fred tell it, it is like he was there kissing a body, passing on the Ebola himself.  It is your wedding so you put the address to reception under the seats at the church and when everyone looks there is a poof of smoke and you are gone.  Only took ten tries in rehearsal to get that right as you slip out the side door into the hummer limousine.  

No, this is not your idea. Fred is beaming as he called the limo company and upgraded to a hummer.  Something about a hummer makes you think Shrek, the donkey and a giant castle.

This does not bode well for the wedding night because you promised your mother you would wait till marriage.  As you get out of the limo to the community hall you rented for the reception you see an ice truck and Bob coming out of the hall.
ice delivery truck

He is slimmer and more muscular than you remember him as you watch him push an empty blue cart out of the hall.  His eyes accidentally meets yours, he looks down, there is a sense of embarrassment as if he was reliving the last time you saw him face up on the floor.  You can't help but laugh as he steps on a strap, the cart stops suddenly sending Bob tumbling with an embarrassing thud where he lands  As quickly as he falls, Bob gets up and throws the cart on the truck, disappears and reappears with an invoice.  

I dislike hummers
By this time Fred has gotten out of the hummer, opened the back hatch to get his runners as to not injure himself by slipping on the dance floor which is too much like the floor at the bowling alley where he hurt his hip.  Bob with the nervous energy of a 14 teen year old boy seeing a girl he likes bounces towards you.  Smack and thud, you try not to laugh as Bob attempts to scalp himself on the back of the hummer hatch left open.  As you help him get up, he mumbles something about navy and smoke detectors on ships.  Looks at you, and then uncomfortably at Fred.  Blood begins to flow from the top of his head.  Fred laughs and takes a picture,  Bob shrugs it off, says I have a first aid kit, you call it ducktape in the truck, gives Fred a card and says text me the image.  Bob walks away, followed my a trail of blood.  Stunned at first you and Fred just stand not really understanding what just happened until Babs breaks the silence.

Who was that iceman?  He is yummy.
bob is Yummy be continued.  These are the imaginary love story of Bob the iceman and the girl that keeps getting away Pip.

Ernie and Sandra are the owners and I am the Master Iceman.  Together we are Ernie Iceman. If you need ice in Edmonton, Spruce Grove, St Albert, Sherwood Park and area for your wedding give Columbia Ice a call.  Yes we will deliver on a weekend if needed.

Until then stay cool.

Graham Iceman
ice is always cool

Follow the tales of bob and pip, an ice story for the ages.

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