Monday, November 9, 2015

Ice machine breaks, manager faints and a heart is broken.

Two hand drawn simple round faces of Ernie Iceman
Iceman of Columbia Ice
It is going to be a good day you tell yourself as you make it to work with enough time to chit chat the new waitress you hired.  It is not your fault that your manly machismo makes beautiful women want to have your children.  If anyone is to blame for your glorious lot in life it is your parents for letting you run the family business and giving you the perfect name of Bob.  A name nobody could spell wrong, especially you, even when you wake up drunk in Mexico having spent the money for a new ice machine on a well deserved vacation.  The old ice machine works fine.  It breaks down less than Archie's jalopy and the refrigeration technician comes quick to fix the problem when it does.

You can use the old machine for another year and save more money than the cost of the trip to Mexico which your parents unknowingly paid for when they fronted you the money for the new ice maker.

Pip the waitress you hired because her name is unique like yours smiles when she sees you.  You knew the first moment you saw Pip's application it was meant to be.  Now... it is just a matter of convincing her that you are the man of her dreams.

You are about to speak and tell her the most amazing story in Mexico, at least the way you tell it.
How you rocked the night away with a Mexican rocker, a Calgarian realtor, some wrestler who had a lot of concussions and you.   Like idiots you even walked home at night in Mexico to your hotel like dumb tourists do when they want to get shot, robed, stabbed but you four laugh at death.  Some tourists make it back to the hotel and others not so much.  Come to think of it in Mexico even being in the actual resort doesn't mean you are safe.

5 guys striking a pose for a picture.
Rocked Mexico
The one time you had a chance to be better company than a book for a lady you chicken out, crash, bang, boom, but you can't tell Pip that.  Women want men that are wanted is what your sisters cosmo said.   Your mouth was open, you breath in, your voice box just about to begin to vibe...

"The ice bin is empty, I don't think the ice machine is working."

 A voice that sounds like Fred the bus boy yells.
ice machine
ice machine

Everyone is looking to you with your farmer's tan as one day you forgot sunscreen while wearing a t-shirt because you were insecure about your craft beer belly, the manager to save the day.  Pip and all the other attractive women you hired to serve food at your fine family friendly establishment as back up in case Pip didn't love you back, all standing there looking at you.  Is this cosmic retribution for abusing your position as manager to hire as many young ladies over the age of 18 you could see yourself spending your life with in the search for love you wonder.

"Call Ronny Refrigeration, the number is on the wall next to the phone." 

The same dish washer savant Fred who spoke before, speaks again almost on purpose right before sound is to leave your throat saying the same thing.  Dam you Fred you curse under your breath.

Quickly you run to the office, dial the number from a card stuck to the wall.  It dawns on you that when you need to keep the refrigeration tech's card on the wall it is likely time to buy a new ice maker.

The guy comes quick, diagnosis the problem.  Surprise, surprise, he laughs at you and says you need a new ice machine.  Hands you a financing plan, pats you on the back and says call him.

Your shirt is wet.
Did you remember to put deodorant on?
You Stumble to the thermostat.
No ice machine means no ice.
No ice means warm cocktails, pop and H2O along with your mother saying I told you so.
You notice two tables of families enjoying the show because let's be honest, most of us live boring lives.  The drama of a hero when faced with the insurmountable odds of a woman he obviously is smitten with surrounded by more attractive women, Fred the bus boy and a cranky ice machine that just can't keep up, is better than looking for something to watch on Netflix.
It is too much, you feel your brain start to overheat, the floor is wet.
Dam you Fred and your dish water.
Roof is dirty.
Fred the bus boy can clean that.
You smile.
Thud.
dog with ball in mouth on ground, pretending to be man down
Man Down

...things go black.

You wake up on the floor with your head the middle of two 5 pound bags of ice sandwich and it feels good.  You can hear Pip and Fred the bus boy talking to what sounds like a paramedic.  .

"What happened?"

After hearing Pip describe the events you were awake for Fred goes on about how he had pulled out his iPhone, clicked on safari, googled "ice delivery Edmonton", thumbed call Columbia Ice and Ernie's Iceman delivered 15 big bags of ice.  Out of the corner of your eye you notice Fred has used the trauma of you fainting to comfort Pip and make things physical.  You always thought Fred was smooth with a face cloth but you never knew he had the moves when it came to the the ladies.    

Sadly fainting under pressure does not attract the ladies as much as being ice cool under pressure.  Fred the bus boy got the date with Pip.  He has a future going to night school to become a seeing eye person for blind dogs.  You are a manager of a family friendly restaurant with no ambition to be more than a manager you hear your mom saying. Your heart breaks, you almost cry, saved in time by the perfectly sized, prime number 5 lb bag of ice freezing your tear ducts closed.

It is barely enough ice cube to hold back the gusher that arises when you hear nobody actually called 911.  There you are laying half dead like a pig with an apple in it's mouth.  All your staff does is created a vine from the security footage , shared it reddit, video went viral, and someone in a comments section on facebook who was a regular called the paramedics.

Dam you Fred the bus boy.

You learned the hard way that in Edmonton, Spruce Grove, St. Albert, Sherwood Park and friends when your ice machine breaks and the refrigeration technician can't come fix the problem right away, you just need to call Columbia Ice.  From now on Bob will let Columbia Ice stress the ice because he has enough to stress with Fred taking Pip to the movies.

Ernie and Sandra are the owners and I am the Master Iceman.  Together we are Ernie Iceman and when you need ice in a hurry give us a call.

Until then stay cool.

Graham Iceman
@ernieiceman
780-960-7161
ice@columbiaice.ca
columbiaice.ca
ice is always cool


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