Friday, November 27, 2015

Help the Student Federation of the University of Ottawa find their tiny balls.

I didn't even know what cultural appropriation was until I read a story of the Student Federation of the University of Ottawa cancelling a yoga class.  After googling it, I learned cultural appropriation means one culture taking something from another and adopting it as their own.  Thus in reference to this story it would seem to mean the west has adopted yoga from India which made some folks at the University of Ottawa mad enough to complain to the Student Federation.  Anyone who has not lost their balls...

...would look at the complaining party and say while we take your complaint seriously yoga is a healthy, positive activity that can help our students deal with stress, physical and emotional pain.  As Spock once said the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.  We will continue to offer a free class.

Someone like me would of been a little more mouthy and been like it offends me that people in India, the home of yoga, have culturally appropriated western fast food.  If there ever was something that defined the west as much as yoga defines India it is fast food and obesity.  If people want to cry about us learning the yoga then I am going to cry about non-western nations getting the golden arches.  I am sorry but if our women :) and some men :( can't dress in yoga pants and bend in all sorts of very odd positions then you all cannot enjoy our fatty, sugar filled processed food cooked in fatty oil.  Just as people in India have culturally appropriated our love of fast food and made it their own such as no beef on the menu in India, we in the west have taken yoga and added lulus.  Instead of crying about it lets go have a chicken burger and then get into some tight pants and try to touch our toes.

Sadly because those at the Student Federation of the University of Ottawa have lost their balls and have taken political correctness to the extreme they need our help.  I am sure someone in the science department has a powerful microscope to help them find their itty bitty, tiny, winy balls.  Leaders don't always acquiesce when it comes to cultural issues, they lead.  What makes Canada amazing is having so many different cultures coming together, giving us such wondrous variety when it comes to food, recreation, arts, dance, beliefs and perspectives.  Almost everything we are has been culturally appropriated.  Christmas is a pagan holiday.

At some point people need to say enough is enough.  If you don't like seeing people do yoga then don't watch, go home, do something else, there is this thing called the TV.  I don't want to see people do yoga either because they make me feel inflexible and out of shape because I am inflexible and out of shape.

If you are doing yoga and need ice because you all like to do yoga when it is hot, trust you can call Columbia Ice and not have us complain you are culturally appropriating anything.  In fact if you tell everyone in yoga pants to leave then the iceman will do yoga with you.  Yoga pants can lead to icemen overheating which can be very dangerous.

Graham Iceman if you need ice.
If you must use the phone then call Sandra at 780-960-7161

Monday, November 9, 2015

Ice machine breaks, manager faints and a heart is broken.

Two hand drawn simple round faces of Ernie Iceman
Iceman of Columbia Ice
It is going to be a good day you tell yourself as you make it to work with enough time to chit chat the new waitress you hired.  It is not your fault that your manly machismo makes beautiful women want to have your children.  If anyone is to blame for your glorious lot in life it is your parents for letting you run the family business and giving you the perfect name of Bob.  A name nobody could spell wrong, especially you, even when you wake up drunk in Mexico having spent the money for a new ice machine on a well deserved vacation.  The old ice machine works fine.  It breaks down less than Archie's jalopy and the refrigeration technician comes quick to fix the problem when it does.

You can use the old machine for another year and save more money than the cost of the trip to Mexico which your parents unknowingly paid for when they fronted you the money for the new ice maker.

Pip the waitress you hired because her name is unique like yours smiles when she sees you.  You knew the first moment you saw Pip's application it was meant to be.  Now... it is just a matter of convincing her that you are the man of her dreams.

You are about to speak and tell her the most amazing story in Mexico, at least the way you tell it.
How you rocked the night away with a Mexican rocker, a Calgarian realtor, some wrestler who had a lot of concussions and you.   Like idiots you even walked home at night in Mexico to your hotel like dumb tourists do when they want to get shot, robed, stabbed but you four laugh at death.  Some tourists make it back to the hotel and others not so much.  Come to think of it in Mexico even being in the actual resort doesn't mean you are safe.

5 guys striking a pose for a picture.
Rocked Mexico
The one time you had a chance to be better company than a book for a lady you chicken out, crash, bang, boom, but you can't tell Pip that.  Women want men that are wanted is what your sisters cosmo said.   Your mouth was open, you breath in, your voice box just about to begin to vibe...

"The ice bin is empty, I don't think the ice machine is working."

 A voice that sounds like Fred the bus boy yells.
ice machine
ice machine

Everyone is looking to you with your farmer's tan as one day you forgot sunscreen while wearing a t-shirt because you were insecure about your craft beer belly, the manager to save the day.  Pip and all the other attractive women you hired to serve food at your fine family friendly establishment as back up in case Pip didn't love you back, all standing there looking at you.  Is this cosmic retribution for abusing your position as manager to hire as many young ladies over the age of 18 you could see yourself spending your life with in the search for love you wonder.

"Call Ronny Refrigeration, the number is on the wall next to the phone." 

The same dish washer savant Fred who spoke before, speaks again almost on purpose right before sound is to leave your throat saying the same thing.  Dam you Fred you curse under your breath.

Quickly you run to the office, dial the number from a card stuck to the wall.  It dawns on you that when you need to keep the refrigeration tech's card on the wall it is likely time to buy a new ice maker.

The guy comes quick, diagnosis the problem.  Surprise, surprise, he laughs at you and says you need a new ice machine.  Hands you a financing plan, pats you on the back and says call him.

Your shirt is wet.
Did you remember to put deodorant on?
You Stumble to the thermostat.
No ice machine means no ice.
No ice means warm cocktails, pop and H2O along with your mother saying I told you so.
You notice two tables of families enjoying the show because let's be honest, most of us live boring lives.  The drama of a hero when faced with the insurmountable odds of a woman he obviously is smitten with surrounded by more attractive women, Fred the bus boy and a cranky ice machine that just can't keep up, is better than looking for something to watch on Netflix.
It is too much, you feel your brain start to overheat, the floor is wet.
Dam you Fred and your dish water.
Roof is dirty.
Fred the bus boy can clean that.
You smile.
dog with ball in mouth on ground, pretending to be man down
Man Down

...things go black.

You wake up on the floor with your head the middle of two 5 pound bags of ice sandwich and it feels good.  You can hear Pip and Fred the bus boy talking to what sounds like a paramedic.  .

"What happened?"

After hearing Pip describe the events you were awake for Fred goes on about how he had pulled out his iPhone, clicked on safari, googled "ice delivery Edmonton", thumbed call Columbia Ice and Ernie's Iceman delivered 15 big bags of ice.  Out of the corner of your eye you notice Fred has used the trauma of you fainting to comfort Pip and make things physical.  You always thought Fred was smooth with a face cloth but you never knew he had the moves when it came to the the ladies.    

Sadly fainting under pressure does not attract the ladies as much as being ice cool under pressure.  Fred the bus boy got the date with Pip.  He has a future going to night school to become a seeing eye person for blind dogs.  You are a manager of a family friendly restaurant with no ambition to be more than a manager you hear your mom saying. Your heart breaks, you almost cry, saved in time by the perfectly sized, prime number 5 lb bag of ice freezing your tear ducts closed.

It is barely enough ice cube to hold back the gusher that arises when you hear nobody actually called 911.  There you are laying half dead like a pig with an apple in it's mouth.  All your staff does is created a vine from the security footage , shared it reddit, video went viral, and someone in a comments section on facebook who was a regular called the paramedics.

Dam you Fred the bus boy.

You learned the hard way that in Edmonton, Spruce Grove, St. Albert, Sherwood Park and friends when your ice machine breaks and the refrigeration technician can't come fix the problem right away, you just need to call Columbia Ice.  From now on Bob will let Columbia Ice stress the ice because he has enough to stress with Fred taking Pip to the movies.

Ernie and Sandra are the owners and I am the Master Iceman.  Together we are Ernie Iceman and when you need ice in a hurry give us a call.

Until then stay cool.

Graham Iceman
ice is always cool

Sunday, November 1, 2015

Yakupov just doesn't understand what it takes to win.

Consistency and a willingness to assert ones self on the ice even when it hurts.  Too often Yakupov watches other people do the dirty work along the boards instead of getting his hands dirty.  McDavid a kid is more willing to go to the dirty areas than Yak who spends way too much time waiting for a perfect pass.  The reason you take the body is because it should create a little separation between player and puck.  At the very least the defence will rush the play and upon occasion turn it over like we do.  The whole waving your stick at it the puck like Yak likes to do makes him just another soft, unwilling to pay the physical price of winning player.  I would make it clear to Yak that if he wants to stay on that McDavid line he needs to get 3 hits a game.  Right now with the Draisaitl player will with Hall and RNH, when Eberle comes back if Yakupov doesn't get a hell of a lot better than welcome to the dreaded 3rd line. The thing is Yak is good at it hitting.  Strong, low centre of gravity and not a risk of getting a head shot to anyone as his vertical sucks.    He seems like someone you have to work hard to convince him to do it.

Every time you go up a level in any sport you have to reinvent yourself because there is a higher quality of player.  In the NHL you need straight ahead speed to enter the zone and back the defence off.  The hope was Yakupov would be like Bure but his straight ahead speed has never been as good as the Russian Rocket.  In close spaces he is quick just not straight ahead which is why he sucks at entering the offensive zone.  His tendency to go horizontal not only causes him to turn the puck over more often but also increases the chances of his teammates going off-side.  Teams know this, take away the McDavid outlet which usually gets you a few turnovers as guys are looking for him too much.  Yakupov will get at least one or two offsides a game with his inability to enter the zone at speed.  The dump and chase only works if you have guys willing to be physical which Yak could be if he stopped wanting to play pretty hockey and added a little Putin to his game.

I think it would help Yakupov's game if he added the pest element to his game.  He is the type of player you almost don't want to hit if you are the opposing team because it gets him involved physically.  For him to be a successful NHL player anywhere near his draft status he needs to become assertive, initiate contact consistently and be a mean SOB to play against.  A pest role would put him in the state of mind I believe he needs to be in to be an effective NHL player.

Winning and losing is about paying the price.  There is no magic formula to maximizing your skills.  It is just hard work, blood, sweat, tears and most of all want.  People talk about heart as this abstract thing even though it is very tangible.  Heart is really about playing a sport with such desperation that you do so with little regard to the pain of your own body.  Even if you are bruised all over, playing back to back and everything hurts you take the body because the need to win is greater than the pain you feel when you hit someone with your bruised shoulder.  When I look at the Oiler first overall draft picks I see four young men at different stages in the process of learning there is a price that has to be paid if they want to win consistently.  Winning hurts, there are no short cuts, pretty hockey is for junior, this is the NHL and if you want to succeed you have to leave it on the ice.

RNH needs to shoot the puck more.  Guy has a wicked shot.

Hall needs to fight Jamie Benn.

Graham Iceman
rabid Oilers fan